Kanye's life had rules and the number one rule was: blowjobs were an awesome way to express love. Everyone he loved most gave him blowjobs.

Well, okay, everyone but his mama.

Still, it was an important rule. Three of his girlfriends had given him blowjobs. His hot football captain had given him a blowjob. His hot football captain's hot student body president girlfriend had given him a blowjob. Blowjobs were just kind of standard.

"So seriously, man," Kanye said, "you should give me a blowjob."

Lupe didn't even look up from his copy of War and Peace. "There's a flaw in your argument."

"Fuck you, there's a flaw in my argument."

"No, there is. You know." Lupe smiled a little. Smirked, really. Kanye kind of hated him. "I don't love you."

It was like being told the sky wasn't blue. "Fuck you, everyone loves me," Kanye said. "I'll prove it to you if I have to."

Lupe raised his eyebrows, but still didn't look up from his book. Fine, then. Kanye was totally going to do this shit, and it would blow Lupe's mind wide open.

And then it wouldn't be the only thing Lupe was blowing.

"That's an inaccurate metaphor," Kanye's brain-Lupe said. Kanye ignored him.

||

After getting slapped three times, punched ten, and blackmailed twice, Kanye had perfected his pick-up line: "Hi, I'm Kanye. Lupe thinks no one wants to blow me so I'm collected signatures proving him wrong. On my dick. Want to help me out?" Then smile. Then get blown (or punched). Then wash, rinse, and repeat.

Getting blowjobs was awesome, but getting slapped by the soccer team dudes and punched by the cheerleaders (Kanye still had a black eye from the captain of the squad) wasn't fun. Still, he kept at it, and after fifteen days had more than enough...signatures.

So he sat down across from Lupe. "Guess how many people have sucked my dick in the past fifteen days? Come on, guess."

"Did you take pictures or something?" Lupe said, still not looking up from his book.

"You break my heart, man. I'm not that much of an asshole."

Lupe raised his eyebrows again.

"Okay, fine, but the first ten said no and then I gave up. So come on, ask me. How many?"

"You're going to tell me anyway."

"Fuck you, man, you don't know me."

Total silence. Lupe had apparently moved on from War and Peace to A Tale of Two Cities. "And why the fuck are you reading that bullshit, anyway?"

"It's interesting. And advanced."

He said it the way Kanye would say "ass" and "mind-blowing sex". "Yeah, okay, whatever. Twenty-two. Now suck my dick."

"Twenty-two...?"

"Mouths I blew my load in, man. Twenty-fuckin'-two."

Lupe pursed his lips. It made him look prissy. "Nah. I might catch something, you know? And my face is too pretty for, like, herpes." He glanced up at Kanye and flashed him a thumbs-up. "Good job, though."

Kanye thought long and hard about punching Lupe. Then he thought long and hard about being long and hard.

Finally he stood up. "You couldn't handle this, anyway," he told the air above Lupe's head, and left the library.

||

"I need help," he told the school's counselor.

The counselor frowned at him. "With math?"

"Why would I need help with math? My love life, man. It's getting me down."

"...your love life?"

"Well, okay, my dick life." Kanye sighed and leaned back in the chair. "There's this kid, right? And he knows I exist and doesn't want to blow me. How am I supposed to handle that? It is seriously, negatively impacting my self esteem."

"Oh, I doubt that," the counselor said dryly. "Now get out of my chair."

Kanye blinked at him. "What, now?"

"I'm the assistant principle," the counselor said. "And I taught you math in first grade. Now get out of my chair."

"Mr. Common? What's up, man? Your name's still weird." Kanye was completely delighted. An old friend! Someone who understood how much Lupe rejecting him hurt!

"Get out," Mr. Common said, and pointed to the door.

"I want you to know," Kanye said as Mr. Common closed the door in his face, "that you are hurting my soul right now."

||

"I don't believe you're really reading all those books," Kanye said the next week. Lupe's face was being eaten by Don Quixote. "What can all those dead white dudes have to say that's more awesome than what I'm saying?"

"Don't you have somewhere else to b – hey!"

Kanye ignored him in favor of flipping open the notebook he'd rescued from under Lupe's elbows. "Hmm."

"Give that back!"

Class notes – boring. Drawings of skateboards – boring. Writing – oh, hey. Poetry? Lyrics? Bit of both, Kanye thought, scanning them. Good shit, too.

"Kanye! I'm not joking! Give it back!"

"Relax, man," Kanye said, holding up a hand to stop Lupe's flailing. "This is, uh." Really good shit. Like. Possibly better than Kanye's.

Blasphemy that would never leave Kanye's head, of course.

"I don't want to hear about how you're so great and could do better and blah blah fucking blah," Lupe said. "Give me the notebook back or I'll fucking bash your head in."

"Hang on," Kanye said. "Let me finish reading."

So Lupe fucking bashed Kanye's head in with some insane fucking Karate Kid shit that left Kanye's head spinning and lip aching while Lupe grabbed all his stuff and left the library in a huff – and seriously, fucking seriously, what exactly had just happened?

||

Kanye was still asking himself the same question three days later, when Lupe hadn't shown up at the library any of the twenty-six times Kanye had swung by to check for him.

This was just unfair. Lupe was totally cockblocking him. Kanye couldn't even get laid with other people, because then Lupe would pop up in his brain all "hi, I'm a skateboarder who's pretty and probably a better writer than you, what's up?", and Kanye would get pissed all over again.

So when Lupe finally came back to the library, Kanye went and sat across from him. "Dude."

"Don't even fucking start, man," Lupe said.

He didn't have a giant book with him today. Awesome. He could still kick Kanye's ass with his crazy ninja skills, but at least he wouldn't also have something pretentious to read when he was done with it. "Start what? I was just curious. Your shit's good."

Lupe shook his head. "I don't - "

"No, seriously," Kanye said, talking fast so he could get it all out before Lupe kicked his ass. "You're a good writer. Maybe even better than me. Right now, anyway, I'm gonna get better and kick your ass. And you're smart, and also you've got those glasses, and seriously, kid, seriously, you need to blow me. Like, right now."

Lupe looked at him for a long, long moment. Then he said, "Okay."

"Jesus, all I want is – wait." Kanye blinked as his brain processed what Lupe had said. Crazy; he hadn't thought he'd actually agree. "Seriously? No Mr. Miyagi shit?"

"You have to blow me after," Lupe said.

And Kanye agreed because, hey, he was pretty badass at everything else; why shouldn't he be awesome at blowjobs?

And also, a small part of him said – also, if he needed any pointers, he was pretty sure Lupe would be happy to give them.