Jordy totally has enough problems without some kid who's really good at hockey transferring in to take Eric's place in the hierarchy of people who are way better than he is. But that's what Sidney Crosby does. He's so awkward Jordan honestly expects him to have no friends, but then he and Jeff end up hanging out and talking about, Jordy doesn't know, how great hockey is or something. And then Sidney makes friends with Marc and that's just an insult, because it means Jordy's expected to be nice to him when he comes over after school and stuff.

"Um, hi," Sidney says the first time Jordy wanders downstairs and sees Marc and Sidney monopolizing the Xbox in the living room. "How are...things?"

"You brought him home?" Jordy says to Marc.

Sidney frowns. "I can go." He goes to get up.

A normal kid would call Jordy an asshole. He'd be okay with it, too, because he is. He'd probably call the guy a dickweed back, but he can't do that when Sidney's being polite. So instead he says loudly, "Good job bringing home a robot, Marc. Teach him how to vacuum," and goes out into the kitchen to grab a snack.

"Ignore him," he hears Marc say. "He's not even the youngest and he's totally got younger sibling syndrome."

Jordan thinks about going back out and telling embarrassing stories about Marc, but he doesn't actually want to scare Sidney away, because then Marc will board him during practice, or call up Eric at college and make him lecture Jordan. Instead, he rolls his eyes and goes upstairs.

It's not a one-time thing. Sidney ends up coming over a couple times a week, and Jordan gets used to his dumb laugh, and his compulsive offers to help Mom with dinner, and the fact that he's, like, incapable of going half an hour without talking about hockey. He and Marc are debating defense or something one day when Sidney says, "You should talk to Jordy about that. I'm not as much of a two-way forward as he is."

"Wait, what?" Jordan says.

Sidney blinks at him. "You're a third liner?"

Oh, okay. So he's not as good. That makes sense. Jordan scowls at him. "Yeah, whatever. Marc knows my opinions."

"It's true, I do," Marc says.

"Uh huh," Sidney says. "Anyway, so like I was saying, Pronger..."

Jordan tunes them out after that. Sidney holier-than-thou Crosby's delivering a sermon that Jordan has no interest in.

The only good thing about Sidney suddenly being the fifth Staal is that it means it's almost acceptable for Jordan to make a million Sidney the robot jokes in the locker room. Okay, so it's not exactly kosher, but he doesn't care. They're hilarious. Sidney always pulls a face when Jordan makes them, like he's not sure he's allowed to laugh along, and that makes Jordy feel kind of viciously satisfied.

Sidney just annoys him, is all. He's like Eric, just shorter and not as Staal-y.

One day, Jordan's hanging out on the loveseat and trying to ignore the Sidney Crosby's So Great Fest going on across the living room, when Marc's phone beeps. "Oh, shit, Lindsay," he says, standing up. "I completely forgot we're going out tonight. Um." He looks between Jordan and Sidney. "Jordy, do you think you could...?"

"We could just kick him out."

"I told Mom I was staying for dinner," Sidney says.

Jordan glares at him. Why does he feel the need to say that? "Fine," he says.

"Cool. I owe you," Marc says, and leaves.

Jordan eyes Sidney. He's biting his lip, which just makes Jordan notice how ridiculous his mouth is. It's almost like a girl's. After a moment's thought, he gets up and goes to sit on the couch. Way too close to Sidney. "Hey, kid," he says, throwing an arm around Sidney's shoulders.

"I'm older than you." Sidney wiggles away. He's bright red. "Can we just watch a movie, or something?"

"Your mom could make you food, you know."

"I told her I was going to be over here," Sidney says stubbornly.

Jordy's pretty sure he's missing something. "Whatever," he says, and turns the channel to MTV.

Sidney lasts thirty seconds before he says, "Could we watch something good?"

"God, you're a whiner."

"You've seen me on the ice."

Jordan's not sure if that's supposed to mean Sidney's not a whiner. He's pretty sure not. "Yeah, dumbass, that's why I'm saying it. God. Here." He drops the remote in Sidney's lap.

Sidney jumps, then grabs it and changes the channel. Luckily he doesn't change it to the History Channel or something. Spike TV's showing the Indiana Jones movies.

"If you have homework or something, you can go do it. I'm fine."

"Yeah, dickweed, I know what I'm allowed to do in my own home."

"Well excuse me, I figured a dipshit like you would need more time to do his work," Sidney snaps.

Jordan twists so that he can stare at Sidney. They're so close together the effort almost makes him cross-eyed, but it's worth it for the way Sidney is bright-eyed and squirming again.

Maybe Sidney's okay. "Sure," he says. "Well, someone's got to keep an eye on you. Or your robot ass might try to elope with the Roomba."

"Whatever," Sidney says, rolling his eyes.

Jordy leans back with a grin, feeling pleased with himself.

It kind of sucks that he has a sex dream about Sidney that night.

It's a really good dream, too, all about Sidney's ass and how much Jordan wants to stick it in. Which is funny because he's never actually stuck it in anyone, and also the dream is full of feelings, too, like...Jordan laughing at Sidney being a failure, and stuff.

Jordan wakes up feeling kind of sick. That lasts for a few hours before, in English, he decides that the obvious answer to his problems is to stick it in Sidney for real.

The problem with that is that it honestly kind of freaks him out. He spends the rest of the day, including practice, trying to figure out if Sidney's into guys or not. Or if Sidney's into anyone. It's almost impossible to tell, since the only time he sees Sidney checking someone out, it turns out that he's not looking at Marc - he's looking at Marc's stick. His actual hockey stick.

And walking up to Sidney and saying, "Hey, my room's just upstairs," probably wouldn't work even if he could have sex with his mom in the house. So Jordan's kind of stuck.

Luckily, Sidney and Marc don't notice the way Jordan's staring at Sidney. Probably, Jordan thinks, because they're used to Jordan staring like that, because he's done it a lot. This sudden wave of self-awareness sucks, Jordan thinks.

The next day, he decides to try a different method. "Hey," he says sunnily, sitting down next to Sidney on the bench.

Sidney stares. "Hi?"

"You looked good out there." Jordy smiles at him.

"I - thank you?" Sidney looks down at his skates.

"Hey." Jordan jostles him. "What, my shining countenance too strong for you?"

"I don't think that's how you use that word."

"Whatever," Jordan snaps. "I mean, whatever you say."

This is hard.

"Are you okay?" Sidney says. He half lifts his hand, like he's going to check Jordan's temperature through his glove.

"I'm fine." Jordan leans towards him a little. "Hey, you want to come over tonight?"

"Why," Sidney says suspiciously.

The question stumps Jordan for a second. "Uh, to hang out?"

"I'm hanging out with Marc tonight."

"Oh. So I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine." Kind of defensive and weird-sounding, but it's not like Jordan can help that.

"I'm seeing you tonight," Sidney says. "Since, you know, me and Marc are hanging out."

Oh. Duh. "You could have been going out."

"Uh huh," Sidney says, and then Coach whistles at them and Sidney has to go out for a two-on-one.

Jordan would be a total liar if he said he didn't check Sidney out in the locker room that day. It's not like he's going to see Sidney naked any other time, though.

"Hey," he says to Jeff on the way to Marc's car, "what do you do if you have a crush on someone?"

Jeff turns bright red. "Ummmm."

"Not you, dude." Jordan elbows him. "Come on." Luckily, Sidney's not going home with them. He has to go do his weird rituals at home or something before he comes over.

He has a car, so he can do that. Asshole. Or...maybe Jordy shouldn't be thinking about him as an asshole anymore. Except it's hard, because he is an asshole. It's just Jordy thinks he's kind of great, too.

"Anyway," Jordy says. They have to wait around for Marc for a few minutes, so they can have this talk. "It's someone else."

Jeff looks at him for a second. "It's Sidney, isn't it."

"What? No!"

"Come on," Jeff says. "I'm not blind."

He sounds like he might be hurt if Jordan keeps up the lie, so Jordan sighs. "Okay, yeah, it's totally him. Happy?"

"Are you?"

"He doesn't like me." Jordy winces the second the words come out of his mouth. He sounds just as whiny as Sidney.

"Maybe. But don't count it out right away, eh?"

"Whatever. What would you know. You're dating Eric."

Jeff can't come up with a good retort, because he's too busy smiling like a moron and ducking his head. It's a victory for Jordan, for sure, but that doesn't help with his urge to punch Jeff for being happy.

Luckily, Marc comes out then, so they hop in the car and get going.

"Hey," Jordan says when Sidney comes over. He insisted on opening the door, and he's kind of regretting it now, because Sidney's taking forever to take his coat and scarf off and kick his shoes off.

Also, he looks kind of hot in his sweater, which is weird.

"Hey." Sidney smiles at him.

It's kind of a nervous smile, but it makes Jordy's stomach do something weird. Man, he wishes he could just go back to thinking Sidney's an asshole. "So, uh, Marc's in the living room."

"Hurry up or you get to be Princess Peach!" Marc yells.

"I should, uh," Sidney says, and takes off running down the hall.

Jordan sighs and follows.

He sits on the floor by Sidney, which makes Marc give him a "have you lost your fucking mind?" look, and makes Sidney kick him twice and apologize for it. It's worth it, though, because once Sidney beats Marc, Jordy can say, "Marc's a total fucking failure at video games. I can beat you."

Sidney perks up. "Really?"

"Duh," Jordy says. It's not that he's good; it's just that Marc and Sidney are almost equal levels of bad.

"Cool," Sidney says.

"What, do I just have to sit here?"

"Do your reading so you don't fail out, loser," Jordan says, and snags the control Marc throws at his head. "Here, move over." He gets onto the couch, once again squishing himself against Sidney. Maybe this time Sidney'll get the point.

He totally doesn't, though. He laughs when Jordy beats him, and turns red when Jordy teases him about being a robot, and even redder when Jordy teases him about turning red. But he doesn't, for example, look at Jordan and ask him to go steady.

"Jordan, can I talk to you for a second?" Marc says when Jordan's looking at Sidney from the corner of his eye and thinking about tickling him to see him laugh again.

"Sure thing, bro," Sidney says, and nudges Sidney. "Be right back."

"Um, I figured," Sidney says.

Jordan grins and follows Marc out into the hallway.

"Are you crazy?" Marc whispers. "Why are you hitting on him?"

"Uh." Jordan doesn't know why he thought Marc wouldn't notice if Sidney didn't. Marc's not a robot. He's not even braindead like Eric.

"What is this, your new mission? Make Sidney be into you, then tell him he's too much of a robot for a human relationship?"

Whoa. Marc looks mad. "No, man. I just." Jordan shrugs. "You know?"

"No, I don't know. Now how about you try using words?"

"I'm into him," Jordan whisper-yells. This conversation sucks. "Okay?"

Marc narrows his eyes. "You're into him."

"Yes!"

"Since when?"

Jordan likes his pride, so he doesn't say 'since I had a dumb sex dream about him'. "Um, awhile."

"Liar."

Jordan thinks back. "I've been obsessed with him for awhile," he says, because it's totally true. "So why can't I be obsessed with him and, you know. Sexing him?"

"Sexing?"

"Kissing?" Jordan tries.

Marc shakes his head. "Dating."

"Well," Jordan hedges.

"Dating," Marc says again. He's gone back to glaring at Jordan.

"Ugh, fine." That's kind of what Jordan was going for anyway. He just didn't want to admit it. "Dating." Having big brothers sucks.

"Good," Marc says. "Maybe try telling him that."

He leaves before Jordy gets a chance to tell him that's the dumbest plan he's ever heard of.

He follows Marc out. "Hey, dudes," he says. "So, Sidney. I'm gonna kick your ass again."

"Um, actually, I have to go home." Sidney stands up. "Like, now."

Considering that Sidney spends tons of time over here, Jordan kind of had this story going in his head about the Crosbys not feeding him unless he practiced hockey more once he got home, or something. "Seriously?"

"Yep. Yeah. Yes." Sidney bobs his head over and over. "Definitely."

"Okay. Whatever," Jordan says. "I'll walk you to the door."

"That's okay! I can do it!"

Sidney actually checks Jordan into the wall in an effort to get past him.

Weird. Jordan shrugs and plops down on the couch. Marc rolls his eyes and gets up, going out into the foyer to say goodbye to Sidney.

"What was that all about?" Marc says when he gets back into the living room.

"How should I know?"

"You should know that stuff about someone you want to date, Jordy."

Marc doesn't have to sound so condensating. Condensing? Talking-down-y. "Whatever," he says, and goes upstairs so Marc can't judge him any more than he already has.

After they've had dinner and Jordan's cleaned up, he goes back upstairs. Or at least, he tries. He gets up three steps when there's a knock on the door.

He's expecting Mormons or something, not Sidney. And he's really not expecting Sidney to grab him and yank him outside.

"My parents might think I've been kidnapped," Jordan points out.

Sure enough, Mom yells, "Jordy, who is it?"

Sidney scowls at Jordan, and Jordan is kind of scared in spite of himself. "No one!" he yells back, and steps outside, shutting the door. Hopefully they'll just think he went upstairs. "I hope you realize you just made me lie to my mom."

"Oh, please. You lie to your mom all the time." Sidney takes a step forward. On instinct, and because Sidney looks really pissed, Jordan steps back against the door.

He's expecting Sidney to say 'you're an asshole' or something. What he's not expecting is for Sidney to say, "What do you mean, you want to date me?"

"You're crazy," Jordan says immediately. He's not ready yet!

"Oh, so I just imagined you whispering at Marc about wanting to date me."

"You're being really dramatic. And technically, Marc said I want to date you."

Sidney glares at him.

"Okay, fine," Jordan says. "Yes. So, you've turned me down, awesome. Can I go?"

Sidney shakes his head.

"...okay," Jordan says when Sidney doesn't say anything else. "So."

"So," Sidney says, and then kisses him.

Well, 'kisses' him. It's a completely horrible kiss. Jordan does his best to make it better. He's only ever kissed girls, so it's not like he can play with tits, but he can get his hand on Sidney's neck and angle them together a little better. And Sidney's way smaller than he is, so that part's normal.

Actually, it's great, and by the time it's over, Jordan's got a boner.

"Cool," he says when Sidney pulls away.

"We're dating," Sidney says, and turns to go.

"Wait!" Jordan grabs his wrist. "What about my dick, bro?"

Sidney smiles a little. "Figure it out," he says, and tugs himself free, heading down the steps towards his car.

It would be a lot easier to be mad at him if he wasn't smiling kind of stupidly. Jordy stays outside for a few more minutes, grinning at the porch, before he goes back inside.

Next time, he's getting his hand down Sidney's pants.