if you don’t don’t know why’d you say so?
would you mean this please if it happens?
if you don’t know why would you say so?
won’t you get your story straight?

Alec brings it up with his parents at dinner on Tuesday night. He has to be careful about this. His parents don’t really care where he goes or who with, but mostly because he doesn’t get into trouble and they don’t expect him to do anything exciting. But his curfew has always been ironclad.

“So,” he starts. Both his parents look at him expectantly. “Our friend was able to get Aline and I tickets to see one of our favorite bands in the city on Saturday. Would it be okay if we took the train in early that afternoon? I don’t have a meet that day or anything.”

His father smiles indulgently at him. “Sure, Alec, I don’t see why not.”

“The only thing is,” he says, carefully keeping eye contact instead of looking away like he wants to, “the show doesn’t start till 8 and then by the time we get back to the station and catch the last train and get back to Idris it will be past midnight.”

His mother frowns, so Alec pushes on before she can tell him no out of hand.

“So I thought maybe I could just spend the night at Aline’s so I wouldn’t wake you guys up?”

His mother frowns even deeper and his father shakes his head. “Alec, co-ed sleepovers are not–”

“It’s not like that,” Alec says. “Aline and I aren’t like that. At all. And her parents will be there. Please? We really want to see this band and pretty soon we won’t even live in the same state. Please?”

His parents exchange a look. It’s his mother who turns to him and says, “As long as you get all your homework done on Friday.”

Alec beams at her.

“And as long as her parents will be there,” she finishes.

“I will. They will. Thank you!”

“And keep your cell phone on you just in case.”

“Yes, mom,” he says.

Finally, her expression softens. “You’ve worked really hard this year, Alec, and we’re proud of you. Have fun on Saturday.”

“I will,” he says, and when he smiles at her it’s completely genuine.

twobrokenwingsx: All set for Saturday.

rainraindownn: excellent. train station at 1?

twobrokenwingsx: Are we really gonna stand in line for that long?

rainraindownn: you’ll thank me later. and aline and helen will thank me when they can see the stage.

twobrokenwingsx: Okay.

rainraindownn: are you excited?

twobrokenwingsx: Of course.

rainraindownn: they put on a good show. i saw them when they came through last year and it was awesome.

twobrokenwingsx: I’m sure it will be great. But I’m mostly excited to see you.
twobrokenwingsx: I’m sorry if that was too much.

rainraindownn: not at all. it was really sweet. you’re really sweet.

twobrokenwingsx: Is that a good thing?

rainraindownn: yes, it’s a good thing. i’m excited to see you too.

twobrokenwingsx: Oh. Good.
twobrokenwingsx: I mean since we’re spending all day together waiting in line apparently.

rainraindownn: i’m telling you alexander, you will thank me.

It turns out that sitting in line for hours on end actually is kind of fun, if you’re with the right people.

They get sandwiches and bags of chips and water and take them to the Roseland to eat. The line is already a block long when they get there. They settle with their backs against a building and eat and talk, with Alec periodically throwing potato chips at Aline, which then leads to everyone throwing pieces of food at Magnus who tries to catch them in his mouth.

“What can I say, I’m good with my mouth,” he says after he catches three M&Ms in a row. Alec blushes.

The late March day is sunny but still chilly so eventually Alec ends up with Magnus on one side and Aline on the other pressed close for warmth. Helen huddles up to the other side of Aline and Alec wonders if half the point of waiting this long in line is the excuse to touch. If it is, he’s not complaining.

It’s the first time he’s getting to talk to Helen after all the months of watching Aline pine after her. She’s quieter than he thought she’d be, and little intense, and seems constantly surprised by Aline’s attention. Alec can relate. She has a dry sense of humor that Alec appreciates and he’s relieved that he likes her, because Aline’s crush has only intensified.

When the time for doors gets close, everyone stands and the excitement is palpable. It’s infectious. Alec finds himself grinning about nothing. Or maybe about the way that Magnus has made himself comfortable against Alec’s side and pulled Alec’s arms around his shoulders.

Once they’ve given their tickets and Alec and Aline’s hands have been marked with big black X’s Magnus pulls them along through the crush of the crowd onto the floor to a spot close to the front but to the side, where Aline can still see but it’s a little less crowded. Then there’s more waiting until the opening bands. The excitement ramps up again after the last one. Helen bounces on her feet and the crowd pushes forward, then back again.

Then the band is walking out and picking up their instruments and the noise swells. Alec’s screaming too, raising his arms as the lights come up and The Get Up Kids slam into Holiday.

A pit forms in short order, larger than any Alec’s ever been in. He itches to join in, but he doesn’t want to leave Magnus, who’s jumping up and down and screaming the lyrics and who looks so beautiful and free and happy. But halfway through the song Magnus leans over and screams in his ear, “Go on!”

“I’m good,” Alec yells back. Magnus shakes his head.

“You know you want you,” he yells, and Alec mostly can only tell what he’s saying from reading his lips. He pushes Alec a little toward the pit. Alec’s not gonna argue that much.

“I’ll be back,” he shouts over his shoulder. Then he throws himself through the crowd and into the pit.

Alec’s not even sure how much later it is when they take it down with a slow song and the pit fizzles out. He makes his way back to the group sweaty and bruised and grinning. He feels so good it’s easy to step up behind Magnus and slide his arms around his shoulders, duck his head into Magnus’ neck and kiss him there.

“Having fun?” Magnus asks, tilting his head back onto Alec’s shoulder. Alec nods and sways Magnus back a forth a little in time with the music.

They stay like that until the songs fades and suddenly it picks back up into Ten Minutes and they break apart as everyone screams and starts jumping again.

Magnus raises his eyebrows and tilts his head toward the center, asking if Alec wants to head back out there, but Alec shakes his head. It was fun, but he’s content where he is.

“If I had to explain it, I wouldn’t know where to start,” he shouts, pumping his fists in the air and smiling at Magnus.

“It’s like you’re falling in love while I just fall apart!” he sees Magnus sing.

Then Magnus reaches for the neck of Alec’s t-shirt and pulls him down to kiss him. Alec’s heart pounds like it does when he’s in the pit. It’s pure euphoria. He pulls Magnus in by his hips and kisses him back while The Get Up Kids sing that everything will work out.

Alec’s adrenaline runs out halfway into the train ride home. It comes on him suddenly and he cracks a huge yawn.

Magnus stops in the middle of his sentence and smiles. “You can nap on me if you want. I’ll stop talking.”

Alec shakes his head. “I’m good.”

“I’m just saying, it looks pretty nice,” Magnus says and points his chin across the aisle to where Aline is slumped against Helen’s shoulder. Helen’s arm is wrapped gently around Aline’s shoulder, holding her steady. Alec bites his lip against his smile.

“They’re cute,” he says softly so Helen won’t hear.

“They really are,” Magnus agrees. “Are you sure you don’t want to rest? We could give them a run for their money.”

“Maybe later,” Alec says. “Finish your story.”

Magnus tells him stories about shows he’s been to and bands he’s met until the train pulls into Idris station.

The parking lot is quiet and nearly empty, lit only by a couple of floodlights. It’s gotten cold again and their breath mists in front of them.

“Okay,” Magnus says. “I guess I’ll see you next week if you–”

“Um,” Alec interrupts him. “I told my parents I was going to spend the night at Aline’s.” Magnus doesn’t say anything, so Alec plows on. “But we didn’t tell her mom, so I could, uh, spend the night with you? If you want to that is. Or I could just go with Aline–”

Magnus cuts him off by pressing a fierce kiss to his lips. “Yes, I want you to come home with me, Alexander. Of course I do.”

“Okay, good. I just have to get my stuff from Aline’s car.”

“Go,” Magnus shoves him gently away.

“Are you going with Magnus?” Aline asks when Alec gets to her car.

“Yeah,” Alec says.

Aline smiles and winks unsubtly at him. “Have fun,” she says.

Alec knows he’s blushing, but he doesn’t care. “I will,” he says.

The problem with basically inviting himself to spend the night at Magnus’ place, is that he doesn’t know what to do when they actually get there.

The apartment is slightly messier than when Alec was last there. There are a few dishes in the sink and the futon is pulled flat, with the pillows and blankets in a heap in the middle.

“Sorry for the mess,” Magnus says. “I wasn’t expecting company.”

“If this is what you think is a mess, you should see Max’s room,” Alec says. Then, “Sorry for springing this on you. I really can go back to Aline’s.”

Magnus shakes his head and huffs out a laugh. “I think Helen will literally kill me if I interrupt them right now. Besides, having you here is a pleasant surprise.”

“Okay,” Alec says, and then has no idea what to do next.

“Do you want to watch a movie?” Magnus asks. It would give them something to do, but Alec shakes his head.

“I’m not gonna make it through a whole movie. Maybe some music?”

Magnus nods and makes his way to his rack of CDs and records.

“I’m gonna go brush my teeth and stuff,” Alec says. He retreats to the bathroom.

Once inside he glares at himself in the mirror. “Be cool, Lightwood,” he says. It doesn’t really help. He brushes his teeth and changes into the sweatpants he brought then takes one more deep breath and heads back into the apartment.

Magnus was busy while he was in the bathroom. There’s a record playing, something with an acoustic guitar and a woman singing. It sounds familiar, like maybe his mom listened to it when he was young. The record sounds a little scratchy, with the occasional warble or pop, but it almost sounds better that way. The sheets and blankets have all been straightened out on the futon, and Magnus is at the sink putting a dish in the drying rack.

“Who’s this?” Alec asks.

Magnus turns. “Joni Mitchell.”

“I like it,” Alec says.

“I bought it used for three dollars. It was one of my mom’s favorite albums.” There’s a few seconds of silence before Magnus says, “Okay, well I’m gonna take off this eyeliner. Make yourself at home,” and disappears into the bathroom.

Alec lets out a breath when the door closes. Maybe this was a bad idea, but he’s unlikely to get the chance again soon and he just really really wants to spend more time with Magnus. As much as he can get. He drifts over the futon and sits on the edge. He runs his hand over the blanket. It smells like Magnus.

“Hey,” Magnus says, sitting next to Alec. Alec didn’t even hear him come out of the bathroom. He looks soft in a bigger t-shirt than he normally wears and with most of his eyeliner gone. He looks like everything Alec’s always wanted.

“Hey,” Alec says. He cups Magnus’s cheek in his palm and runs his thumb over the cheekbone. He can’t stop looking at Magnus’ lips.

“I just wanted you to know I don’t expect anything from you,” Magnus says, but Alec thinks he’s looking at Alec’s lips too. “Just because we’re sleeping together, we can just sleep, if you want.”

“Okay,” Alec says, leaning closer. “But I don’t want to just sleep. Do you?”

“No,” Magnus says, and they’re so close now, the word is breathed across Alec’s mouth.

“I’ll tell you if I want to stop,” Alec says. “Until then, expect anything you want from me.”

Magnus answers him with a kiss, and Alec kisses him back. They fall back into the blankets, and when the record stops, neither of them notice.

Alec wakes much earlier than he would have preferred the next morning.

He’d like to blame it on the light coming through the curtain that didn’t quite get closed all the way, but the truth is that he didn’t sleep well. He hasn’t shared a bed since he and Izzy and Jace were kids, and while having Magnus sleeping beside him was exciting, he wasn’t used to it, and he woke up when Magnus moved, or breathed too loud. Sometimes he would wake up just so he could pull Magnus closer again and try to fall back asleep with the feeling of Magnus’ skin against his own. Once he woke up when Magnus pulled him back against his chest, held him tight and breathed against his ear before finally falling asleep again.

They’ve managed to separate a little bit so that when Alec opens his eyes he’s facing Magnus, noses only a few inches apart. Alec’s tired in a way that makes his eyes feel like they’re full of sand. He can already feel the soreness from the show in his muscles. He’s so happy he feels like he might burst with it.

He doesn’t mean to wake Magnus, but his eyes flutter open when Alec shifts.

“Morning,” he says, his voice a little rough from sleep and screaming at the show last night.

“Morning,” Alec whispers.

Magnus turns on his back and opens his arms a little bit and Alec wastes no time shifting over so he can snuggle up against his side and rest his head on Magnus’ chest. Magnus’ arms settle around his neck and back and he hums in satisfaction.

Alec thinks he might fall asleep again, but it seems he’s awake for good now. From Magnus’ breathing and the way his hand is stroking Alec’s neck, he is too.

“Can I ask you something?” Alec asks softly.

“Sure,” Magnus says, equally soft. His hand doesn’t stop stroking Alec’s neck and Alec almost reconsiders his question, afraid of disturbing the moment.

“People at The Hideaway say you got bitter after your last break up,” Alec says. Magnus’ hand stops. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but you mentioned it a couple times, and I was just wondering what happened. I mean,” he goes on when Magnus doesn’t say anything, “you don’t seem bitter to me.”

Magnus starts stroking his neck again. “Sometimes I forget that you don’t know. For a while it felt like everyone knew what happened and I couldn’t get away from it.”

“You don’t have to tell me,” Alec says, even though now he feels even more desperate to know.

“No, it’s probably better if you hear it from me.” He drops a short kiss to Alec’s hair. “Do you know Junesong Provision?”

“They’re a band from Idris, aren’t they? Everyone talks about them but I’ve never seen them.”

“They’re on tour now, and who knows when they’ll be back. My friend Ragnor used to be the lead guitarist. When I graduated from high school and was moving out of my stepdad’s house, Ragnor needed a roommate, so I moved in with him. Junesong Provision was just getting started then, and there weren’t really any places to play around here. I don’t even remember how we met Eddie, honestly. But there were a bunch of us who were all into the music, and there was the band, and Eddie had a house, and between us we started our own little local scene, and it started growing.

“I didn’t really know what I wanted to do after high school. I couldn’t afford to go to college, so I had a couple shitty jobs and I had the scene, and that was the thing I cared about.” Magnus takes a deep breath. “Camille was one of the people who was there at the start.” The name sounds familiar to Alec, like maybe he’s heard people saying it, but he can’t remember ever meeting her.

“She was a couple years older than me and she seemed … so cool, you know? She knew all the bands to listen to, and more importantly the ones not to listen to. She could get you backstage to any show. She modeled sometimes. I thought she was so out of my league, so when she wanted to date me, I just wanted to keep her. I would have done anything to make her happy.” He pauses for a second before going on. “I did do anything. I did a lot of things I’m not proud of. Camille thrived off of drama and I helped her make our scene really toxic for a while. Some people tried to tell me, but I wouldn’t listen. I thought we were like some emo scene fairy tale. I thought we were forever.”

“What happened?” Alec asks.

“Oh, well, she was cheating on me with the lead singer of Junesong Provision, of course. I caught them once, but it had been going on for months. Maybe even the whole time we were dating. Camille and I broke up, Shane and I aren’t friends anymore, and Ragnor ended up leaving the band because of it. It was public and messy and everyone knew what happened and everyone took a side.”

“That’s awful.”

“It was. Then Junesong went out on tour and Camille went with them. Officially she’s tour managing, but I think mostly she just sells merch. And I stayed here and listened to a lot of Dashboard Confessional and got bitter.”

“The Best Deceptions?” Alec asks.

“On repeat for weeks,” Magnus confirms. “Raphael threatened to burn my CD.” Alec snorts a laugh and holds Magnus tighter, as if he can fix that hurt now. He knows he can’t, but it’s a nice thought. “Anyway,” Magnus goes on, “that’s pretty much it. Got bitter, swore off relationships, etc, and now we’re here.”

“I told you, you’re not bitter.” Alec pushes himself up on his elbow so he can look at Magnus.

“I am a little,” Magnus says. “I don’t know, Shane and Camille, they’re out there doing what they want, living their lives. I’m still here, and my biggest accomplishment is basically being popular in our tiny scene. It has no meaning outside of Idris or even outside The Hideaway. You have the right idea, you know. You’re going to college. You like the scene, but it’s not your entire life.”

“It doesn’t have to be your entire life either. You’re taking classes now.”

“Yeah, at Idris Community College. You’re smart, Alexander. You’re going to make something of yourself.”

“I’m not smarter because my parents could afford private school and a good college. You tried to explain your chemistry class to me and I had no idea what you were talking about. Besides, if you want to leave Idris, you could just … go. What’s keeping you here?”

Magnus doesn’t answer, just turns his head and looks at the wall. Then he turns back and says, “Your pillow talk is intense, Alexander.”

Alec ducks his head. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Magnus says. He reaches up and pulls Alec closer. “You make me think, and that’s a good thing. But I had other plans for this morning.”

Alec lets his body relax against Magnus, lets Magnus tilt his head up until their lips are close. “Oh yeah?” Alec asks. “What were your plans?”

“Hmm,” Magnus hums. He kisses Alec’s mouth, then pulls back. “I was thinking we could make out.” Another kiss, and Alec hums his enthusiasm for that plan. “And then we could go get bagels.” Another kiss. “And then I’ll drive you home.”

“Don’t like the last part,” Alec says. Magnus kisses his jaw and he tilts his head back further.

“Me neither,” Magnus says, “but I’m guessing your parents want you back at some point. Let’s not think about it yet.”

“Okay,” Alec says. And he doesn’t.

“Well, here we are,” Magnus says when he pulls his car up in front of Alec’s house and shifts it into park.

“Thanks for driving me,” Alec says.

“I wasn’t gonna make you walk,” Magnus says with a smile.

Alec doesn’t want to leave, but he’s acutely aware that his parents might be watching him lingering in an unfamiliar car, and that will prompt questions he doesn’t want to answer.

“So I’ll see you on Saturday?” he can’t help asking.

“Of course,” Magnus says. Alec smiles and unbuckles his seatbelt, reaching for the door handle.

“Wait,” Magnus says, his hand shooting out and grabbing Alec’s wrist. When Alec looks back, Magnus seems nervous, biting his lip and looking at the steering wheel.

“Magnus?” Alec asks. Magnus seems to make a decision and lets go of Alec’s wrist. He opens the center console and pulls out a jewel case.

“I made this for you,” he says. There’s no cover, just a silver CD with the word “Alexander” scrawled in black marker. A mix CD. Magnus made him a mix CD. He’s grinning so hard his cheeks are going to hurt later.

“Thanks,” he says. “There’s no tracklist.”

“You have to listen with no expectations,” Magnus says. “I’ll send you the tracklist tonight.”

“Okay,” Alec says. He looks down at the gift in his hand. It’s just a cheap CD-R in a cheap case, but Magnus made it for him and Alec wants to hug it to his chest and scream. He doesn’t. Instead he leans over and kisses Magnus quickly on the mouth, his parents be damned. “Thank you,” he says, and then gets out of the car before Magnus can say anything, or before Alec can beg him to drive them back to his apartment.

“How was your show?” his mom asks as he walks through the kitchen.

“It was really good,” Alec says without stopping, “I’m gonna go shower.” He jogs up the stairs and into his room, closing the door and locking it. He’s not supposed to, but he can’t be interrupted for this. He toes off his chucks and sits on his bed. He takes the CD out of the case and carefully puts it in the CD player on his nightstand. He lays down and reaches out to press play, the action so ingrained in his muscle memory he doesn’t even need to look.

Shake down you make me break
For goodness sake
I think I’m on the edge
Of something new with you

Alec closes his eyes and listens.

Alec sips his beer and tries to pay attention to the band thrashing it out on The Hideaway’s makeshift stage. There’s a pit in the middle of the floor, and normally Alec would be in there, but he’s too keyed up to enjoy it, so he leans against the wall and watches instead.

“So where’s Magnus tonight?” Helen asks him. She and Aline are standing close to each other, not quite touching. Alec zoned out of the conversation they were having and now it must be over. “It’s not like him to miss a Saturday, let alone three in a row.”

“He picked up an early shift,” Alec says. “But he should be here soon.”

And that’s why Alec can’t relax into the pit or focus on the music, his attention constantly on the basement doors, waiting for Magnus to show. He doesn’t know why he’s so nervous except that it’s the first time he’ll see Magnus after they said goodbye on Sunday. After Saturday night and all the things they did together.

He’s listened to Magnus’ CD so much Izzy threatened to steal it just for a break, but his interactions with Magnus himself have been disappointingly few. With his rent due soon and a co-worker being sick, he picked up a bunch of extra shifts at the bar, and with Alec’s school and track schedule they’ve managed a few fleeting AIM conversations and not much else. It’s just bad timing, but Alec is anxious to see Magnus in person again.

Helen gives him a sympathetic look, like she knows everything he isn’t saying. It should probably embarrass Alec, but he figures if anyone is going to understand, it’s Helen and Aline. He does make a better effort at joining in the conversation though, and manages to go almost ten whole minutes without staring at the door.

The band finishes up and he still hasn’t seen Magnus.

“Anyone want another?” He asks. He probably shouldn’t, since he drove tonight, but he’s not even close to drunk and he needs something to do before he jumps out of his skin. For the first time he kinda wishes he smoked, just for something to distract him. Helen and Aline both shake their heads, so Alec shrugs and makes his way to the coolers.

He’s bent over to grab a beer out of the ice when he hears it, the distinctive sound of Magnus’ laugh. He straightens so quickly he nearly bumps into the kid behind him.

“Sorry,” he says. “Here.” He hands the guy the beer in his hand absentmindedly, his attention taken up by scanning the crowd for Magnus. He doesn’t see him at first, because he assumed Magnus would be near the door, having just come in. But Magnus is deeper into the basement, in a crowd of people, talking and laughing and gesturing with his hands.

A fission of nervousness crawls up Alec’s spine before he pushes it down. Magnus knows almost everyone and hasn’t been here in a while, of course he’d get sidetracked by people wanting to talk to him as soon as he walked in.

Alec heads over to the group. He manages to catch Magnus’ eye when he’s a few feet away and Magnus gives him a little wave. Alec sighs in relief.

“Hey,” he says, pushing himself into the circle next to Magnus. He reaches out for Magnus’ elbow, but Magnus spins away so that Alec’s hand closes on empty air. He makes it seem totally natural, so Alec doesn’t think anybody else realizes what just happened. Alec’s stomach drops to his knees.

“Alec,” Magnus says, “‘sup?” But he doesn’t wait for Alec’s answer before he goes back to whatever conversation he was having before Alec got there.

Alec swallows around the sudden lump in his throat. He wants to turn tail and run, away from Magnus, away from the basement, away from these people he doesn’t even like half the time. But he forces himself to stay, to smile at Duncan and make small talk. He refuses to let them see he’s wounded.

He doesn’t know how long he stands there talking to people without taking in anything, hyper aware of Magnus next to him, not touching him, not talking to him. Long enough so that when he makes some excuse about finding Aline nobody thinks it’s weird. He makes himself walk at a steady pace through the crowd and out the door. He meanders through the smokers and around the side of the house until he gets to the deserted front porch.

He sits on the steps, pulls his hood up, looks at his hands and wonders what to do.

He wants to go home, but he’s Aline’s ride. And there’s a part of him that thinks as long as he stays there’s still a chance for Magnus to find him and explain. If he leaves, it’s over. If he leaves, it’s real. So he sits in the dark and the cold and does nothing, and underneath everything, there’s a little voice saying you should have known it was too good to be true.

When his fingertips are numb and his nose is running, he hears footsteps crunching on the dry grass. He doesn’t look up. It’s either Aline or Magnus and he’s genuinely not sure who he’d rather it be.

“Hey, where’d you go?”

Alec’s head snaps up at the voice. He was hoping it was Magnus, he realizes, but that’s not what he was hoping Magnus would say.

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah,” Magnus says, but he isn’t looking at Alec, destroying his attempt at casual. “You just disappeared.”

“I didn’t disappear,” Alec snaps. “I stood there like an idiot while you ignored me and then I left because you clearly didn’t want me around.”

“Come on Alec, that’s not true,” Magnus says, but he’s still looking at an empty planter instead of at Alec.

“Then what the hell was that? You barely speak to me all week and then you act like we barely know each other. What am I supposed to think?”

“I was busy working this week,” Magnus says, “and you’re not my only friend here, you know.”

Alec swallows. “I know that.” Like he could ever forget that Magnus has better, cooler, more interesting friends than Alec. “But I’m the only one you slept with last week. Unless I wasn’t.” He knows it’s the wrong thing to say even as he says it, but he can’t stop.

It gets Magnus to look at him, at least.

“Of course you were. Jesus.”

“Okay, then what’s with the cold shoulder? You had to know,” Angry tears prick at his eyes and he forces them back. “You had to know it would make me feel like shit.”

Magnus sighs and the anger seems to drain out of him. “Alec …” He moves to sit on the step next to Alec, but Alec stands right as he sits. Alec can’t deal with Magnus being so close to him while they have this conversation. Magnus grimaces but stays where he is. “Look,” he says, “this scene can be vicious, especially when they have new gossip. If we went in there all coupled up, well, you probably wouldn’t like it.”

“Oh, so that was for my benefit?” Alec crosses his arms. He’s shivering now, from the cold and the conversation. He can’t believe that 2 hours ago he was excited to come here.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that. I just mean, after what happened last time … being under public scrutiny like that, it’s a strain. I’d rather just be how we are when we’re alone when we’re, you know, alone.”

“So,” Alec says slowly, “you want to be together, but you don’t want to tell your friends we’re together.”

“You’re making it sound bad,” Magnus says with a frown.

“Because it does sound bad,” Alec says.

“I just want to do what we’ve been doing without having to label it or conform to anyone’s expectations,” Magnus says. “Because it’s been working this way, right? I just, I like what we’ve been doing.”

“So you want to keep talking all the time, and hanging out, and making out, and sleeping together, but you don’t want to label it, and you don’t want to tell anyone. Wow, that sounds so much better, thanks for clearing that up.”

Magnus runs his hands through his hair. “Look, Alec, you’re young, so–”

“You’re 22, Magnus,” Alec interrupts, “you’re not exactly ancient.”

“All I’m saying is that you think it has to be a certain way but–”

“This isn’t about me thinking anything has to be a certain way,” Alec shouts. “This is about you being a fucking coward.”

“Hey!” Magnus stands. Alec doesn’t let him go on.

“Because either you’re embarrassed to be seen with me, in which case all your bullshit about not caring what people think is just that: bullshit, or I’m just what, a fun game? Just some dumb kid, see how far you can get him to fall, bonus points if he gives it up in under a month!”

“Alec, stop!”

“No, you stop!” Alec drags in a breath and the cold air scrapes over his raw throat. He doesn’t even have the energy to shout anymore. “It doesn’t fucking matter,” he says. “Either way, you get what you want. I won’t bother you anymore.”

“No, wait!”

But Alec can’t. He can’t stop himself from running anymore, he just needs to be gone.

He’s halfway around the house, running at a dead sprint when he barrels into Aline.

“Whoa, where’s the fire?” she asks, grabbing onto his shoulders to herself upright.

“I’m sorry,” Alec says. “Can you get a ride back with Helen? I just, I can’t be here right now.”

“Yeah sure,” she says. “What’s wrong?”

“I’ll tell you later. I gotta go.”

He’s running again before she has a chance to reply. He doesn’t slow down when he runs past all the kids hanging outside the basement doors. It doesn’t matter if they see him; he’s never coming back here again.

He doesn’t stop until he reaches his car. His hands are shaking so hard it takes him two tries to get the key into the ignition. When he finally gets the car on, the speakers immediately blast the mix CD Magnus gave him. He jams the eject button and flings the CD into the back seat, not caring if it gets scratched.

His own labored breath is deafening in the quiet.

He refuses to break down here, of all places. He needs to get out of here.

He doesn’t bother putting in a new CD. He just drives.

and you'd like to think that you were invincible
yeah, well weren't we all once
before we felt loss for the first time?