Damon wasn't sure how he'd gotten sucked into this little nightmare scenario.

Well, no, that was a lie: he'd been literally sucked into it. And somehow Stefan had weaseled his way out of it.

"You know, I think forcing me here is favoritism," Damon said.

Elena rolled her eyes. "Believe me, Stefan will do his time, too."

"And yet, I'm the one who's here, waiting on Witchy McBiff to show up."

"Witchy McBiff?"

"Biff. As in, B-F-F." Damon raised his eyebrows. "I keep telling you."

She had to know he was doing it for comedic relief, rather than being such an old-guy vamp that he honestly thought that was the hip lingo, or whatever. But she smiled a little anyway. "You're so behind it's sad."

"That's not even close to the only thing that's sad about him," Bonnie said from behind him.

He'd like to say he'd heard her heartbeat or smelled her approach, but either she was using witchy tricks to keep off vampire radar, or he was too absorbed in Elena to notice. Either one was bad news. He made a mental note to do something about it.

Some other time when he didn't have to make a good impression on someone who already wanted to kill him.

"Bonnie," he said, putting on as charming and non-threatening a smile as he could. "You're looking especially scary today. New spells?"

Bonnie didn't look impressed. "Elena, look. I know I said - but -"

"He'll behave," Elena said quickly. She sounded stressed, suddenly - really stressed. Damon forced annoyance down. Killing the witch would just upset everyone, and anyway, Elena would never believe it was all Bonnie's fault.

"Will he?" Bonnie's eyes raked up and down his body. "Because what I'm seeing is an undead pile of asshole."

"I should rip your throat out, you annoying little magic-user," Damon said without thinking.

"Not before I set you and your ugly silk shirt on fire," Bonnie snapped.

"Damon! Bonnie!"

"If you want to see me naked and writhing, all you have to do is ask. That, or I can pluck out your eyeballs and carry them with me the next time I shower."

"If I wanted to see you naked, then I'd know it was the sign of a psychological break and I'd check myself into an institution."

"Fortunately for me, it's even easier to kill you if you're strapped to a bed."

"Right before I lit your sorry ass on fire with my mind, you mean?"

"Guys!"

Elena practically yelled it, so Damon took a break from staring Bonnie down to look at her. "Yes, dear?"

Bonnie practically choked. Elena ignored it. "Seriously, just order a burger and keep quiet. This is annoying. And embarrassing."

"That's too bad. I was just starting to enjoy myself," Damon said. When Elena glared at him, he hooked a foot behind her leg and rubbed her calf.

Bonnie, he saw, was trying to keep from smiling. She had good taste, at least. Pity she was so persistently annoying.

When the waitress came over to them, Damon smiled his most charming smile and tried to talk her into bringing him and his very underage lady friends a bottle of champagne. It didn't work, to his far too sober dismay, but she did let him order a drink. Elena ordered a burger and glared him and Bonnie into submission so that they both did, too.

When the waitress left, Bonnie kicked him. "Better luck next time."

"I'm not the one losing out," he felt the need to point out.

"We shouldn't be drinking anyway." Elena pursed her lips. "I have this crazy suspicion that it would be a bad plan."

"Drinking's always a good plan," Damon said.

"You would think that." Elena smiled at the waitress, who set down her and Bonnie's Cokes and Damon's -

"That's a very pink drink," Bonnie said.

"I ordered scotch," Damon told the waitress.

The waitress scrunched her nose. Adorable. He fantasized about ripping her throat out. "Oh, I thought you said a Scotch. It's a house special. I don't think we sell scotch."

Damon stared.

"...I could take it back?" the waitress said.

He was about to call her an idiot when he saw the expression on Bonnie's face. She looked smug, like she thought Damon wasn't vampire enough to drink an extremely fruity drink. Which was extremely stupid of the girl, since Damon had manly vampirism out the ass.

"No, it's fine." He picked up the drink and, locking eyes with Bonnie, sipped it delicately. "Delicious."

Bonnie just rolled her eyes at him. He smiled, pleased: they were making progress.

The rest of the dinner was aggressively uninteresting. Elena and Bonnie talked about their boring high school problems and Bonnie's spells while Damon thought about the potential consequences of charging the good citizens of Mystic Falls for vervain.

...or more fun plants. Those lamps in the cellar had potential.

After cheesecake and a few more death threats, Elena and Damon walked back to the house. They got almost halfway there before Elena moved close enough to put a hand on Damon's arm.

"You're not going to walk on my arm," Damon said as lightly as he could. "Like you keep reminding me, you're not Katherine."

"Thank you," Elena said.

"That wasn't a compliment."

Her hand tightened. "Stop it. You know what I'm saying."

He did, and it was...annoying. "I didn't really do it for you."

"You did it for us, though. The three of us."

There was a question there that Damon wasn't going to answer. "With selfish motivations the whole time, I promise."

"Sure. You never do anything for anyone except yourself."

Anyone else would've thought she was just being sarcastic, but Damon heard the little note of fondness. If it was anyone else he would've mocked the hell out of them. But as it was -

It was the work of an instant to pull her off the road and behind a tree. She didn't look even the slightest bit surprised when he leaned back against the trunk, pulled her to him, and kissed her.

It was still new, and still really fucking good. Elena kissed with a singularity that Damon wasn't used to from a teenager; she might cant her hips so that she was pressing against him, she might dig her nails into his shoulders and drag them down his back, but her attention was still on the kiss. And she was damn good at it.

He wrapped her hair around his hand and tugged, moving her head back so her neck was exposed. She gasped and let him kiss her jaw, down her neck. She hadn't let him bite her yet, but it had only been two weeks: he was willing to be patient.

"I could finish it right here," he said.

"Seriously? I haven't been worried that you'd kill me in months, Damon."

That sealed the deal. Damon dropped to his knees. "Not what I meant."

Elena's expression would have made him laugh if he wasn't distracted by the way her legs bent, knees parting just a bit. "It's a little awkward. Also, you know, public."

But she'd leaned over and put her hands on the bark of the tree. If he pushed her skirt up and went to town, she wouldn't move an inch.

Which was why he pushed her back and stood up. "Maybe some other time," he said, barely keeping from cackling with glee when she frowned, obviously disappointed.

"Come on," he said, catching her wrist and tugging her back onto the sidewalk. "We can't keep Stefan waiting. He's too delicate for that. His heart can't take it."

"You know, putting up with your usual annoyingness is five times harder when you've just -"

He was never going to get tired of watching her blush. Well, maybe in a few hundred years, if he could convince her and Stefan to stop being so suburban America and turn her. "Just what?"

"You know what," she said, obviously annoyed.

"Hmm." He tightened his grip on her wrist, just a bit. "If we speed up, Stefan'll still be asleep when we get back."

"And?"

Damon smiled and doubled their pace.

They didn't talk until they'd gotten the front door closed - and even then, their talking amounted to Elena saying, "Damon, what -" and Damon kissing her.

She was annoyingly human and good-hearted, it was true, but when she really needed to, Elena could get her shit together. Meaning that when he moved his hands down her back to cup her ass, she moaned and pushed at his shoulders.

This time her hands were braced against the front door, and he could tug her skirt down instead of pushing it up. She got a hand in his hair and guided him forward; he pushed her out just a bit, ensuring that Stefan would be treated with quite the view when he finally got his lazy ass downstairs.

"I could just stop here, you know," he said. "You're being awfully demanding. Maybe I should just -"

"Do it," Elena said.

Threats would have made him laugh, but this...he moved forward without thinking, pushing her legs apart and biting her thigh with blunt teeth, just enough to sting.

That wasn't even close to enough, though, and they both knew it. She moved her own hand down, pressing two fingers against her clit.

"Hey," he said, and nudged her fingers with his tongue.

She touched his cheek - and then slammed her hand against the door when he sucked her clit lightly.

And honestly, she could've been the least responsive girl of the twenty-first century and he still would've gotten her off, but it helped that she was incredibly sensitive and practically gagging for it. He could feel her every minute shudder, the blood pumping through her veins. He flicked her clit with his tongue, and she bit back a moan. He slipped a finger inside her and crooked it just right, and she gasped and thrust her hips.

Easy, easy, easy, and so much fun.

He heard Stefan the second he woke up, of course, and Stefan heard them and started coming downstairs within minutes. Damon hoped he'd brushed his teeth first. Vampirism was no excuse for bad hygiene.

Elena was on the edge, so just as Stefan got to the bottom of the stairs, Damon pulled back, smiled at her, and gave her exactly the right rhythm on her clit.

She came quietly, and for a second Damon thought they were going to surprise her - but when Stefan sped over to them and caught her elbows, pulling her back against him, she didn't even blink.

"Against the front door, really?" Stefan said.

Damon got to his feet and shrugged, ignoring - for now - how hard he was. "What can I say? She makes it hard to be patient."

"She's standing right here," Elena said. From the look on her face, you'd think she wasn't naked from the waist down. "Don't get in a, you know, dick contest."

"Dick-measuring, you mean? I don't need to. I've seen it."

He was clearly losing his touch, because Stefan just smiled. "You wouldn't want to get embarrassed again."

Elena moved out from between them and waited. She would have been a brilliant mediator if she bothered, but of course that wasn't her style.

And Stefan could wait for Damon to make a move for...honestly, Damon wasn't sure. Probably well into the twenty-second century. So it was Damon who moved forward and put his thumb on Stefan's lower lip, brushing his teeth along Stefan's jaw as Stefan caught Damon's wrist and bit his thumb once, deliberately.

It had to look ridiculous, but when he looked over at Elena, she was watching with one hand between her legs. She was an enterprising girl; he liked that about her.

"Get over here," he said, dropping to his knees.

"Not yet," Elena said. "Come on, Stefan was right. There's a bed."

"I'm not getting on my knees again, if you're going to be so ungrateful about it," Damon said. "You can both just suck my dick from now on, how's that?"

"I know you're used to back-alley sex, but it's possible to give a blowjob in bed," Stefan said. "I promise."

"Alleys? Please, I have better taste than that. We'll talk about your gay sexcapades later," Damon said when Elena opened her mouth, looking thoroughly annoyed. Because 'oh, by the way, sometimes I suck dick' was perfect pillow-talk after fucking your little girlfriend.

"Cut it out," Stefan said quietly - which meant it was obvious that Damon was thinking something less than charitable. He really ought to rethink this dating the morality police thing.

"Fine, fine," he said. "Let's just get upstairs."

He sped up and got undressed, knowing Stefan would be a gentleman and walk at normal speed with Elena. He was lounging on the bed, wearing only his boots, when they walked in.

Stefan shook his head; Elena stopped dead and bit her lip. "That's not sexy."

"Isn't it? Yee-haw," Damon said, and wiggled his eyebrows.

"Oh, God," Elena said, and slapped a hand against her mouth. She wasn't quick enough to stop her laughter from escaping.

Damon watched appreciatively. In the corner of his eye he saw Stefan strip - quickly, economically, very Stefan-y. And then Stefan was on the bed with him, kissing him way more gently than either of them should be with each other, and Elena was still laughing.

"We're ready when you are," Damon said when the laughter got ridiculously long.

"I'm sorry, I just - " Elena waved a hand. "It's been a long day, and you're - oh God."

"Maybe you should take the boots off." Stefan was hard, and yet he managed to sound like he was just lying around, reading a book. Morally superior bastard.

"No way. Definitely not." Damon ostentatiously checked a watch he wasn't actually wearing. "How long do you think she's going to keep that up?"

"Probably not long," Stefan said, and ducked down to lick Damon's dick.

And oh, full points to Stefan: that stopped her right away, and got her moving over to kiss Stefan. Their lips both brushed Damon's cock, Elena close enough that Damon could run a hand down her back.

Really, Damon thought, things could have been going a lot worse.