Kanye was composing an anthem to his amazing skills when two long, shapely legs came to a halt in front of his eyes.

"Hello," he said automatically – then looked up at a very pissed-off looking Beyoncé. "...Hello?"

"I heard you hit on my husband," Beyoncé said, sitting down across from him. She was radiating menace. Kanye thought about cutting and running; she could probably crush him with her thighs if she really wanted to.

But really, now. Cutting and running just wasn't Kanye's style. "Yeah, well, you know." He smirked at her. "Sucking my dick can really boost your creativity."

"Right, okay," Beyoncé said after a few moments of staring at him incredulously. He was used to the staring, though. It happened when you were as stunningly awesome as Kanye was. "Fine, then. I'll challenge you."

He was, after all, the best rapper to drop an album within, eh, the past decade or so, which meant - "Wait. What?"

"A challenge," Beyoncé said, "for Jay's honor."

For a second Kanye thought she meant because he'd been insulting Jay in his head, which was fair because he had been – but only a little, because there were some rappers who didn't figure into Kanye's best-ever mentality, and Jay was one of them. But then he remembered that, no, Beyoncé couldn't actually read minds, she just looked like she could. So her comment made a hell of a lot less sense.

But maybe it meant he could get laid. Kanye was in favor of that generally. "Sure," he said. "What's the challenge?"

Beyoncé's smile was catlike and completely terrifying. "Connect four."

||

Kanye was a connect four master. He'd been practicing against his computer for years. Challenging him to connect four was like challenging Hendrix to a guitar duel.

Beyoncé leaned back, smiling. "That's two."

Kanye's soul was being crushed.

"Honestly, Kanye," Beyoncé said as she tipped the connect four frame over and dumped the tokens out, "I almost think your heart's not in this."

Images of Jay floated before Kanye's eyes. His crush was almost as massive as his dick. He was fucking dying, and Beyoncé was cruelly laughing at his pain. "Fuck no," Kanye said. "My love is fucking epic. I'm going to beat your ass."

Beyoncé's smile was as smug as that time she'd beaten Kanye in an arm wrestling match. "If you say so."

"It's not over till the fat lady sings," Kanye said, and yanked his tokens towards himself.

He dropped a token in. It was a calculated move; he'd beaten his computer plenty of times by starting this way.

Beyoncé smiled and dropped another token in.

"Diddy tried that once," Kanye said unthinkingly, dropping another token in. He could taste sweet victory already. "It didn't work."

"You've played connect four against Diddy?" Beyoncé dropped her token in, again without pausing to think.

"Of course I have," Kanye said. He stared at the frame, hundreds of strategies running through his mind. "Diddy's my computer."

If Beyoncé smiled any harder, he thought darkly, it was going to eat her face.

"It's your move," Beyoncé said a few minutes later.

"I'm strategizing," Kanye said darkly. He could outsmart her. He could. For Jay's honor, he totally could.

Carefully, carefully, he dropped another token in.

Beyoncé yawned and made her move instantly.

"Haste will not save you," Kanye crowed, and made his move. One more turn and he could -

Beyoncé dropped her token in. "I win," she said serenely.

Kanye blinked. Four tokens were lined up. "I gotta go," he said, standing up.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I just need to fall on my fucking sword now," Kanye said. "Which means I have to remind the world what they're losing. See you."

He left, hands in pockets, shame following him like a dark, Jay-shaped cloud.

||

Kanye clutched his cell phone tightly. "And then she just won again, man, and Jay's so amazing, how can I top that? She's amazing. She's a monster. I'm gonna jump off a bridge."

"You're raving. You can't jump off a bridge," Lupe said. "You haven't set a Grammy record yet."

His upcoming glory danced before his eyes. "Someday," he said dreamily, momentarily forgetting his intention to deprive the world of his genius.

"Uh-huh," Lupe said. "So about Beyoncé."

Beautiful, golden awards, stars clapping and whistling, hundreds of thousands of people listening to speech after speech, each one more amazing and touching than the last...his face on People's cover, driving through Times Square in a stretch limo with the windows down, people falling to their knees from the glory of his presence...

"Ye. Ye."

Kanye blinked. "I was having a moment, man."

"I bet," Lupe said dryly. "Look, maybe you should just give it up."

"Give up on Jay?" Kanye shuddered. "Don't say that shit, man."

"Okay. So, what, do you need a manual?"

"Fuck no. I'm a master at this shit." Kanye lowered his voice. "I think she might be a witch, man. We gotta do an exorcism."

Lupe's laughing was so loud and obnoxious that Kanye couldn't do anything but hang up on him.

||

"A rematch," Beyoncé said disbelievingly.

"You got it," Kanye said. "Me and you and the game, B. I'll crush you."

"B?" Jay yelled from inside the house. "Do we have company?"

Kanye's knees got weak. Beyoncé smirked. "No," she called back. "Just a Girl Scout."

"Buy some fuckin' Tagalongs," Jay yelled. "I love that shit!"

"Too late. You scared her away." Beyoncé held up two fingers. "Tomorrow," she said quietly, and shut the door in Kanye's face.

||

"Are you serious?"

"You're the one who said we could have an open relationship," Kanye said, doing another pull-up. "Don't be jealous of my greatness. Or Jay. I still love you more." He stopped to think. "More than Jay, anyway."

"Yeah, that's not what I'm worried about. I've got a hot date tonight. Hotter than Jay-z." Amber crossed her arms. "But seriously, you're prepping for a connect four tournament with pull-ups? You've got to be kidding me."

"I have to be at the top of my game," Kanye said. He was doing pull-ups to his own personal mantra: Jay, Jay, Jay, Beyoncé, Jay, Beyoncé, Jay...

"You're obsessed," Amber said. "It's sad. Jay's not going to fuck you."

"Why the fuck are you killing my dreams, woman?" Kanye said. "Why won't you let me be great?"

"Because I love you," Amber said, rolling her eyes. "I'm going to go get ready. Have fun getting your ass beat."

Kanye's biggest problem, he thought woefully, was that no one supported him the way he deserved.

He dressed carefully for the showdown, positioning his haterblockers for maximum awesome. "Alright, Ye," he told his reflection. "For God, glory, and all the dick you deserve."

||

Beyoncé beat him again. Three times.

Kanye stared at his hands. "You've let me down," he told them.

"Oh, Kanye," Beyoncé said. "I'm sure you'll win someday."

"Jay's honor can't be that important to you," Kanye said. "He's ugly. You could do so much better."

"Like you?" Beyoncé said.

Images of Beyoncé and Jay banging him swarmed his mind. Hearts danced before his eyes. "That's cheating," he said, and dropped his first token in.

"Honey, I don't need to cheat to win," Beyoncé said. "I've already beaten you."

"We have two more games left," Kanye said.

"Two out of five isn't winning," Beyoncé said. "Even you can't conquer math."

"Don't tell me what I can and can't do," Kanye said. "I'd bend reality for Jay, thank you very much."

"Touching," Beyoncé said, and beat him again.

The final game stretched on for hours, mostly because Kanye planned out every move painstakingly. For one beautiful, glorious moment, he thought he had a chance of winning – but then Beyoncé dropped her next token in.

Three in a row in one direction. Three in a row in another.

Kanye stared at his one token, feeling lost.

"That's eight," Beyoncé said smugly.

Kanye dropped his token in; Beyoncé put hers in. The game was over.

"I want you to know," Kanye said, "that my soul's pretty dead right now."

"Oh, honey," Beyoncé said. "It's okay."

"It's really not," Kanye said mournfully. Beyoncé was still smirking. Life was so cruel. No one understood how amazing he was.

But then the kitchen door opened, and Jay walked into the living room. Completely naked.

The whole world went a little fuzzy.

"Don't swoon, now," Beyoncé said.

Kanye snorted. What a crazy idea.

Then he passed out.

||

He woke up stark naked in a giant bed. Well, he thought, examining the ceiling, it was bound to happen sooner or later. Too many people wanted his ass for him to forever avoid being roofied.

Then Jay's face loomed over him, grinning widely. Kanye blinked and turned his head to the right. Beyoncé was lying next to him, completely naked. The connect four frame was between them. "Game nine," she said. "I win, I suck your dick. You win, you suck Jay's."

The stakes had never been higher. Kanye rolled over and started plotting.