Jin Guangyao is excited to return to the Unclean Realm. Not for any reason surrounding nostalgia or missing what he thought would be his home for many years to come, he’s excited to take his first chance at destroying Nie Mingjue.

He hadn’t planned to do this so soon, hadn’t thought an opportunity would come to him so soon but his father had sent him on the Cloud Recesses under the guise of strengthening relationships but really to determine how much more pushing was needed to get them to fall in line with his plans for Wei Wuxian. And then it was a stroke of luck that led him to the Lan library, not nearly as secure as it should be so soon after the rebuild, and to the song that he knew would eliminate one of the main problems from his life.

It’s a great plan, it doesn’t interfere with the work he’s overseeing in Lanling, or his efforts to ingratiate himself to his brother and father and the seeds of discord they’ve been sowing related to the remaining Wens. And he keeps thinking that as he settles down into Nie Mingjue’s private sitting room, the one reserved for entertaining family next to his private quarters and plays. There’s no noticeable change in his demeanor as Jin Guangyao weaves in the song of torment along with the song of cleansing but he knows that it’ll take several more sessions over the coming months to truly see results.

When he trails off, fingers pressed against the strings to quiet his guqin he looks up and finds Nie Mingjue sitting, in lotus position with his eyes closed and sweat covering his brow. He opens his eyes and looks at Jin Guangyao, eyes blazing.

“How are you feeling?” Jin Guangyao asks, quietly and calmly suddenly worried that he’s done too much too soon.

Nie Mingjue shakes his head. “Go, get the healer,” he says, through clenched teeth. “Hurry,” he adds, closing his eyes again.

Jin Guangyao scrambles to his feet, any attempts at elegance and poise are lost as his brain spins out a dozen scenarios for how he’s somehow managed to fuck this up.

“I don’t understand,” he says, stepping closer to Nie Mingjue and reaching out a hand for his wrist to check his qi. It can’t possibly have been this unbalanced with the small snippet he’d added in.

Nie Mingjue grabs his hand before he can reach his wrist. His eyes, when he opens them again, are like nothing Jin Guangyao has ever seen.

“I do not want to hurt you,” Nie Mingjue says, taking long slow breaths. “But I cannot control myself when I’m like this, go,” he says. Then quietly. “Please.”

It leaves Jin Guangyao wrong-footed. He wrenches his arm away and stumbles out into the hall, stopping the first guard he sees. “Get a healer, quickly,” he says, then he slumps against the wall as the guard nods and runs off.

*
Jin Guangyao is allowed in while the healer examines Nie Mingjue so he’s one of the first to hear about this phenomenon that had apparently been hidden from his view the entire time he’d lived in Qinghe.

“It used to be quite common for all Nie cultivators, and quite severe,” the healer, Ling Qiu, says. “All of the historical documents say that Nie cultivators would be on the verge of death if they didn't take action but it’s been much less severe in recent memory, although the qi deviations have increased.”

Jin Guangyao nods in understanding even if he doesn’t quite get what Ling Qiu is dancing around saying.

“Is da-ge’s case severe?” Nie Huaisang asks, visibly fretting.

Ling Qiu looks grave as he says, “Yes. He’s had other attacks in the past but those could be self-regulated, but this? It would not be enough to stabilize his qi.”

“Could this be a result of me playing cleansing for him?” Jin Guangyao asks, imbuing his voice with concern. He has to get ahead of it before they look toward him and start asking uncomfortable questions.

“I think over time? Yes,” Ling Qiu says. “You and Lan zongzhu have been here to play for him and while it may have helped ward off qi deviations this has always been part of the Nie nature, we just happened to stumble on some bad timing,”

Jin Guangyao nods, face a picture of concern. “Forgive me, but I have no idea what this nature is that you speak of?”

Nie Huaisang grimaces. “Normally this is one of the most funny things about being a Nie,” he says, seriously. “But with this severity,” he starts trailing off. “Every five or so years we have this overwhelming biological urge to um,” he says then pauses. “We need to have sex. Usually, it’s mild enough that each of us gets to spend a weekend locked in our rooms alone taking care of it, no problem. If you’re married it's even better I assume, but it’s never deadly.”

“It was deadly in the past, it has been lessened over time, but it seems Nie zongzhu is experiencing the full force of it.”

Jin Guangyao blinks at them, wondering when they will admit that this is some elaborate ruse to get him to confess. But neither of them budges and he’s forced to conclude that this is real.

“What is the cure?” he asks, faintly.

Nie Huiasang gives him a deeply amused look. “Sex.”

“Not just sex, Nie gongzi,” Ling Qiu says. “Sex with another person, until the danger and the urge fades.”

“Okay,” Jin Guangyao says, mentally picking out the nearest brothel. He doesn’t need Nie Mingjue dying this soon, while he is present and he doubts anyone would let him just waste away from need to fuck disease so it hardly seems like an issue. “So we just send for someone from the nearest brothel, yes?”

“My brother would never agree to that,” Nie Huisang says, shaking his head. “You know what he’s like, it would have to be someone he knows and trusts,” he says and then he looks at Jin Guangyao, assessing.

Jin Guangyao doesn’t bother to attempt to control his face. “That doesn’t mean me!”

“Why not? You’re his sworn brother so he knows and trusts you,” Nie Huiasang says, guilelessly, like someone who doesn’t understand that his brother hates Jin Guangyao and only agreed to the sworn brotherhood to keep his enemy close.

Jin Guangyao shakes his head. “Even so,” he starts, scrambling. “While I’d of course be willing and ready to do anything to save his life” - lie - “he would never agree to that, surely you understand?”

Nie Huisang just gives him a long look. “Why don't we ask him? If you’re both willing then problem-solved, if not then we need to find someone else he’d accept.”

“I think that’s an excellent idea,” Jin Guangyao, secure in the knowledge that Nie Mingjue will say no.

*

Nie Mingjue does not say no. Jin Guangyao spends the few minutes he’s left alone with the healer being given tips on how to care for both of them over the next twenty-four hours silently steeling himself for the worst sexual experience of his life.

He steps through the door from the sitting room into Nie Mingjue’s bedchamber and attaches the silencing talisman he’s been given behind him, grateful that he’ll at least have that bit of privacy. Jin Guangyao is under no illusions that the extent of his helping Nie zongzhu will stay anything close to secret even in a sect so ambivalent to gossip.

Nie Mingjue is sitting on the bed, down to nothing but his trousers and an underrobe that’s wide open showing his bare chest. He’s breathing heavily and still seems to be wrestling with control of himself. He looks up when Jin Guangyao steps further into the room.

“Thank you for volunteering,” Nie Mingjue says, voice sounding like his throat has been brushed with sandpaper.

It’s another thing that leaves Jin Guangyao off balance; he’d expected Nie Mingjue to be out of control, but beyond the lack of clothing, the sweating and the voice he seems remarkably in control of himself. It makes Jin Guangyao doubt how serious this truly is.

“Of course,” he says, finally. “I couldn’t let you go through this alone when I could help.”

Nie Mingjue laughs, mirthlessly. “Do you understand what helping entails, truly?” he asks, standing and taking a step forward that makes Jin Guangyao want to step backward. He doesn’t, holding his ground and raising his chin, to show he is unafraid.

“I’m not a virgin,” Jin Guangyao answers. “I know what this entails.”

Nie Mingjue nods, not looking at Jin Guangyao. When he finally looks up, his eyes are so dark that Jin Guangyao has to suppress a shiver. He's never seen him look like this, even when he was enraged and he’s never had that kind of attention focused on him.

“Good,” Nie Mingjue says. “But you need to understand, once we start I won’t be able to stop. I will not blame you if you need to leave now.”

Jin Guangyao takes that as a challenge and takes a step closer to him. “I will not leave you here to die,” he says, not adding that the death he had planned was much longer and more painful than death by endless erection. “I know what I’m doing.”

“No,” Nie Mingjue says, closing the last bit of distance between them. He leans into Jin Guangyao’s space, trailing his nose along his neck. “You don’t,” he says, before he follows the trail with his mouth.

Jin Guangyao shivers but beyond that he tries to hold back any reaction, this is just sex and he’s seen enough women close their eyes and endure the attentions of men they don’t want and he can do the same.

Nie Mingjue continues his exploration of Jin Guangyao’s neck, he doesn’t kiss him on the mouth and Jin Guangyao is thankful for that little bit of lingering awareness at least, even as his robes are gently pushed off his shoulders. Nie Mingjue works his way down Jin Guangyao’s chest, spending so much time sucking along his collar that Jin Guangyao is sure he’ll be marked for weeks, even if he tries to heal himself with his weak cultivation. He’s still trying to project an air of serenity when Nie Mingjue grazes his nipple with his teeth and Jin Guangyao gasps and grasps at his arms. He soothes it with his tongue and then does the same to Jin Guangyao’s other nipple with the same result.

Jin Guangyao tries to regulate his breathing as Nie Mingjue finally gives up his exploration of his nipples but then he’s kissing Jin Guangyao’s stomach and dragging his trousers down his legs as he noses at the trimmed hair above his dick.

“Should we maybe go to the bed?” Jin Guangyao says, ignoring the way his voice has lost the smooth timber he maintains to show he’s unaffected. He’d forgotten or repressed how long it's been since anyone has touched him, really touched him, in any way that’s not a precursor to some sort of violence. “It would be,” he starts, then groans as Nie Mingjue lips close around his dick. Jin Guangyao’s fingers grip Nie Mingjue’s shoulders as his dick sinks into warm, wet heat as Nie Mingjue sucks him.

He thinks, i’ve made a huge mistake as he hears low moans and realizes it’s him and that he’s completely lost any control he’s had over himself. Jin Guangyao’s knees buckle when Nie Mingjue lets his dick hit the back of his throat and then he’s disoriented as Nie Mingjue is rising from his knees and tipping Jin Guangyao over his shoulder to carry him to the bed.

“I can walk,” Jin Guangyao says weakly, even as Nie Mingjue is gently, still so gently depositing him on the bed.

“Quicker,” Nie Mingjue says, gruffly as he lets his own under robe slip off his shoulders and steps out of his trousers. He settles on the bed with his head between Jin Guangyao’s thighs and doesn’t say anything as wraps a hand around his dick and kisses the tip before sucking Jin Guangyao dick back into his mouth.

Jin Guangyao presses his head back into the pillow, biting his lip not to make a sound as Nie Mingjue gets to work demonstrating that this is not his first time sucking dick. Nie Mingjue runs his tongue along the underside of Jin Guangyao’s dick and he moans, thrusting up into his mouth. Jin Guangyao starts to mumble out an apology but Nie Mingjue just throws one of his huge arms across his hips and holds him in place.

When Jin Guangyao stops unconsciously thrusting into Nie Mingjue’s mouth, and he’ll file that away to be horrified at his lack of self control later, Nie Mingjue removes his arm. It’s only a few moments later than Jin Guangyao feels something slick pressing at his opening and he looks down in time to see Nie Mingjue looking back up at him as he presses a finger into him. Jin Guangyao closes his eyes, determined to regain some equilibrium even as he spreads his thighs a little wider to give Nie Mingjue more room.

He’s managed to distract himself by running through his to-do list when Nie Mingjue slides in a second finger and starts really opening him up but when he adds the third finger and presses directly against that spot inside, Jin Guangyao loses the plot and moans.

“Fuck,” Jin Guangyao mutters as Nie Mingjue hits that spot with every thrust, he clenches the bed sheets so hard he’s sure he’s going to rip a hole when Nie Mingjue presses in with a fourth finger. “Please,” Jin Guangyao begs and he doesn’t even know what he’s begging for, relief, for Nie Mingjue to stop for him to do more, his brain is too scrambled for him to know.

But it does something; Nie Mingjue let’s Jin Guangyao’s dick slide out of his mouth as he draws his fingers out, leaving Jin Guangyao feeling oddly empty and cold, and then he’s sliding a pillow under Jin Guangyao’s back.

Jin Guangyao is surprised that he’s not being turned over or pulled up onto his knees and he wishes for it a little once Nie Mingjue’s weight is settled on top of him and his face is boxed in by his thick arms. Jin Guangyao stares up at him and it’s too close, too intimate but Nie Mingjue doesn’t look away and Jin Guangyao refuses to blink first. Jin Guangyao breathes in sharply as Nie Mingjue presses into him, so slowly that he briefly wonders if his overwhelming urge has faded or if this is truly how much self control he can exercise even in the midst of it.

Nie Mingjue doesn’t stop watching him as he Jin Guangyao arches up into him. Nie Mingjue tucks his face into Jin Guangyao’s neck and inhales as he starts thrusting and Jin Guangyao loses the last little bit of self control he has and reaches up and grips his back. Tangling his fingers into the sheets isn’t enough, he needs something tangible, to leave a mark, something, as he falls apart under Nie Mingjue.

Things narrow down to the sounds between them, Nie Mingjue’s grunts, Jin Guangyao’s sharp short breaths every time Nie Mingjue hits that spot inside and he loses all concept of time or space, and barely has the presence of mind to be embarrassed by how out of control he feels.

“So beautiful,” Nie Mingjue mumbles against his cheek and Jin Guangyao has to blink away his disorientation.

“What?” he asks, before he gasps, raking his nails across Nie Mingjue's back. He feels like he’s misheard something in his haze.

“You’re so beautiful,’ Nie Mingjue whispers again, as he pulls almost completely out before thrusting in again, causing Jin Guangyao to tip his head back at the pleasure of it. Nie Mingjue’s lips drift down to his neck, starting on what Jin Guangyao is sure will be another hickey before he says, “I’ve always, I never thought,” all running together half formed thoughts.

Jin Guangyao frowns as he listens to Nie Mingjue try to explain himself even as he’s clearly muddled, even as his thrusts get harder and Jin Guangyao is so lost in it that it takes a longer for the words to arrange themselves in a way that makes sense and when they do he turns his head and catches Nie Mingjue’s lips in a kiss. It sears him like the first touch of Nie Mingjue lips on his neck. He moans when Nie Mingjue’s tongue breaches his mouth and it's too much and not enough all at once, until Nie Mingjue reaches down and lifts one of Jin Guangyao’s legs up until it’s on his shoulder and he manages to thrust in deeper.

He comes with Nie Mingjue’s tongue in his mouth and tears threatening to spill from his eyes as Nie Mingjue fucks him through it. He feels overwhelmed and wrung out and can’t bother to do more than just clutch at Nie Mingjue as finishes.

When Jin Guangyao comes back to himself, still breathing heavily with Nie Mingjues warm weight on top of him, he realizes how much danger he’s truly in.

*

Jin Guangyao wakes up surprised; surprised to find he’s slept at all with the anxiety that swept across his mind the night before and as he tries and fails to get himself free from Nie Mingjue’s arm throw across his chest he’s even more surprised to find that Nie Mingjue seems to have cleaned them both up before he fell asleep.

He finally gives up on trying to make a quiet escape and flops back against the bed and waits for Nie Mingjue to wake up. If he’s still keeping the hours he did when Jin Guangyao was living in the Unclean Realm he shouldn’t have long to wait. Jin Guangyao’s memory is proven right when Nie Mingjue grunts against his shoulder and tightens his arm around Jin Guangyao, pulling him closer.

He elbows Ne Mingjue in the stomach and he doesn’t make a sound but he loosens his grip on Jin Guangyao enough for him to give up some dignity and wiggle free, sitting up in bed. Jin Guangyao ignores the tiny voice in his head that is panicking and telling him to escape while he can and instead he sits calmly and waits for Nie Mingjue to fully wake up. There’s a part of him that thinks the smart choice would be to quietly get dressed, slip out of the room and join everyone else in the unclean realm in pretending this didn’t happen but he can’t stop replaying the things Nie Mingjue said. They could have been influenced by the impulse driving his actions or he could have lowered inhibitions; Jin Guangyao needs to know which is true so he can decide his next course of action.

Nie Mingjue groans, flopping over on his back and rubs his hands across his face. When he lowers his hands he squints up at Jin Guangyao. “A-yao?” he says then pales a little as he looks down and sees Jin Guangyao’s state of undress. “Please tell me they didn’t force you to do this,” he says.

Jin Guangyao gives him a skeptical look. “You know better than anyone that no one here would do something like that,” Jin Guangyao says. He shrugs with a casualness he does not feel. “You had this ailment strike and I happened to be here and willing and not related to or subordinate to you.”

“Still, it was not a burden I’d force on you,” Nie Mingjue says, with a groan as he rolls over onto his back. “I’m a Nie, I know how to deal with this if it strikes.”

Jin Guangyao rolls his eyes. Nie Mingjue is, at all times, an idiot. “You would have died, did you even hear when the healer spoke to you? This was more severe than the other times.” Jin Guangyao looks over at him with narrowed eyes. “Is the reality of me in your bed so horrible that you’d have rather died?”

Nie Mingjue looks up at him, horrified. “Of course not!” he nearly yells. “You hate me, I know we keep the peace for Xichen’s sake but I’m no fool. I’d rather not give you reason to hate me more.”

“I like how you’ve said all that as if to imply you don’t hate me,” Jin Guangyao says, laughing though there’s little humor in it.

“I don’t hate you,” Nie Mingjue sighs. “A fact you have never been able to believe, I’ve never hated you, even when I should. I have been profoundly disappointed in you, but hate? Never,” he says.

Jin Guangyao looks at him and finds Nie Mingjue looking back at him and he can find no deception there, not that Nie Mingjue could deceive him, even if he was trying. Jin Guangyao sighs. “You said things last night, were they true?”

“What kinds of things?” Nie Mingjue asks, frowning.

“You said I was beautiful,” Jin Guangyao says, amused.

Nie Mingjue snorts. “That is objectively true, you are beautiful.” He says it so gruffly, so matter of factly that Jin Guangyao is surprised at the little flare of affection that flits through him.

“You also said you’ve always wanted me,” Jin Guangyao says quietly. This is the thing he really needs an answer on, it determines his next steps and he’s nearly holding his breath as he waits for an answer.

Nie Mingjue sighs. “Why do we need to talk about this?” He asks, dodging. “I’m sure the healer is waiting to see that I’m alive and you’re unharmed.”

“Is it really so difficult for you to tell me if you meant that or not?” Jin Guangyao asks.

“That is a very intimate question to ask,” Nie Mingjue says finally.

Jin Guangyao laughs. “You said it when you were inside of me, so it was a very intimate time to say it!”

Nie Mingjue is quiet again and Jin Guangyao thinks he’ll dodge again, refusing to answer and Jin Guangyao will return to his previous plan. Slowly kill and remove one more problem from his life, it doesn’t bring him any satisfaction anymore.

“I did want you,” Nie Mingjue says, quietly as he sits up. “Nothing you achieved while you were in this sect was impacted by that fact. And I’ve only let my personal feelings for you guide my hand once.”

“Did?” Jin Guangyao says, heart racing and ignoring the rest, he can drag that information out of Nie Mingjue later.

He doesn’t realize he’s nervously twisting his fingers until Nie Mingjue’s hand reaches over and stops him. Nie Mingjue shakes his head slightly. “It,” he starts then stops and takes a deep breath. “It’s still very much do but you have no worries from me,” Nie Mingjue says, patting Jin Guangyao’s hand. “Even though we did, this, my behavior toward you will not change. I will not burden you with this.”

Jin Guangyao looks at him in surprise. Nie Mingjue is truly the most dense person he’s ever met, he can’t believe he wants him. He makes a split-second decision and climbs over to straddle Nie Mingjue’s lap. “What if I want you to change your behavior towards me?” Jin Guangyao says, sliding his hands up Nie Mingjue’s shoulders.

Nie Mingjue looks at him in confusion. “A-yao?” he asks. “But you hate me?”

“I’ve been mad at you, I’ve never hated you,” Jin Guangyao says, which is not completely a lie. “But I might start if you don’t kiss me,” he adds and laughs when Nie Mingjue reaches for his waist and pulls him closer to kiss him.

He’ll think of a new plan that doesn’t involve Nie Mingjue dying later, for now, he’s going to do something that makes him happy.